10 Years Ago, My Dad Died. It Changed The Trajectory Of My Life.

There are songs I haven’t been able to listen to anymore.

As the legend goes, I was maybe 5 years old when I heard Boston’s “More Than A Feeling” for the first time. My Dad told me he watched me sit right next to the big Hi-Fi speakers in awe, and then I just sat there, listening.

He said I was crying and it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.

Dad loved that song. That’s when I learnt to love Rock and Roll – the guitar shredding in that song is absolutely epic. I played that song at different times as I grew up; secondary school, University, starting a career. It was always more than a classic rock song – it was Dad’s Song.

When my Dad passed away in 2014, it was unexpected for me. Even though he had been ill, I hadn’t considered the possibility that we would lose him. When I made plans for the future, I saw him in it.

And then one day, that future blacked out.

I went to my journal and dialled back ten years – and sure enough, there it was.

Reading that entry now, what I remember the most was a settling. The sense of loss was so absolute that it took time to settle – to actually understand that I wouldn’t see this man again, hear him laugh or hear him explain why Clint Eastwood was one of the greatest actors of our time.

The settling happened over days.

It filled the spaces between my thoughts. It was there when I woke up, like a decaying tooth in a mouth that couldn’t close, radiating agony and despair.

I felt sick with failure. I should have done more, said more, been there.

Loss is such a private thing. Even though my siblings had lost their dad too, I had my conversations to look back on and process. And the worst part of loss is how totally inadequate words are at conveying pain.

My approach to dealing with everything has always been to wade directly into it. Start the pain early, let it overwhelm me quickly so I can begin to heal from it. And that’s what I…